young engaged couple that I know recently confessed to allowing sexual compromise into their relationship.  They didn’t technically have sex, but they did almost everything up to that point, the whole while assuming that they were still protecting their purity.  “I just didn’t think it was really that big of a deal to God,” the young woman told us.  “I mean, we’re planning to get married anyway.  We’ve committed our lives to each other.  What’s wrong with expressing our love physically prior to saying wedding vows?”

That young woman articulated a very common attitude among modern Christians.  We might believe that having casual sex with random people isn’t God’s best, but most of us don’t see the significance of vigilantly guarding pre-marriage purity once you have pledged your life and heart to someone.  So how big a deal is purity to God, anyway?  If you love someone and know

you are going to get married, why is it so important to hold back?

    The reason we don’t understand the importance of purity is because we don’t understand the significance of marriage covenant.  A wedding isn’t merely a ceremony in which you verbally commit to love each for the rest of your lives.  A wedding is a sacred exchange – a holy covenant in which two lives become one.  Until you have entered into that covenant, you are still individuals – no matter how committed you might be to the relationship.  Once you enter that sacred covenant, you are no longer two individuals, but “one flesh.”  Then and only then are you free to enjoy each other’s bodies in an intimate way – entering the “holy of holies” without shame. (Note:  for more detail about this principle, read Set Apart Femininity.)  If you engage in sensual touch prior to entering that sacred covenant, you

dishonor God’s perfect design and leave yourselves wide open for the enemy to ravage the beauty and nobility of your relationship.  God’s Word says:

Marriage is to be held in honor

among all, and the marriage bed

is to be undefiled; for fornicators

and adulterers will judge.

Heb 13:4 NASB

When we choose to engage in sexual intimacy prior to a covenant exchange, we dishonor the sanctity and holiness of marriage.  The word “fornication” in Scripture might seem vague at first glance, but there is nothing vague about it.  According to God’s pattern, any sexual expression outside of marriage covenant is considered fornication.  To keep sex sacred, we must keep ALL expressions of sexual intimacy sacred.  Sexual touch of any kind is an intimate “knowing” of another person – and such intimate acts, in God’s pattern, are only meant as an outflow of a holy marriage covenant.  When we read the Song of Solomon, we discover that it is not just the act of sex – but all other forms of intimate touch and expression – that are reserved for the “holy of holies” alone. 

    This may sound strange, but Eric and I decided not to even kiss until our wedding day.  We wanted to go out of our way to keep every form of intimacy sacred.  My dad had once told us, “Anything physically that you save for marriage will only be more beautiful and fulfilling as time goes on.  Anything that you experience beforehand will eventually loose its luster.”  When we put this wisdom into practice, we found

it to be true.  Even to this very day, whenever we share a kiss it is just as beautiful, thrilling, and

satisfying as it was on our wedding day.  Instead of asking the question “how far is too far?” God challenged us to start asking a new question – “how far can we possibly go, to honor Him in this area of our lives?”  And as we made it our goal to live without even a hint of impurity in our physical relationship, we discovered that God’s are truly beautiful and perfect. 

    I used to feel the need to qualify or downplay the fact that Eric and I didn’t kiss until our wedding day.  It seemed so extreme and unnecessary to people, and I didn’t want them to think that I was “judging” them if they chose to kiss before marriage.  So I went out of my way to say, apologetically, “Eric and I chose not to kiss until our wedding day – but that doesn’t mean that you need to do that – it’s really not a big deal either way.”

But in recent years, my attitude has changed. While I certainly don’t believe it’s a sin to kiss prior to marriage, I’ve seen too many purity-esteeming couples compromise along the way because they “didn’t want to be too extreme” about their standards.  And every time, they end up with a human-led, mediocre romance rather than the stunningly beautiful Heaven-on-earth fairy tale version of love God intends.  But when couples vigilantly protect the physical purity of their relationship at all costs, even going to seeming “extremes” to save everything for the sacred covenant exchange of marriage, God honors and blesses the relationship with more beauty and Heavenly romance than they could have ever hoped for or dreamed of.  Even something as innocent as kissing before marriage can subtly erode the “sheen” of purity in a love story – especially certain kinds of kissing! It’s not that God can’t still bless a marriage when physical things have been allowed into a relationship prior to marriage.  But it could have been even better.  It could have been an unclouded picture of Heaven on earth – a vision of the most stunning, spectacular, brilliant purity this world has ever seen.

The more physical expression you allow into a relationship prior to marriage, the more you allow emotions and selfish desires to lead the way, rather than the Spirit of God.  Physical touch is a powerful and dangerous thing – that’s why it’s meant to be saved for the “holy of holies” alone.  If you want a relationship that is truly directed by God rather than your own selfish whims and agenda, then go to all lengths to vigilantly guard the physical purity of your relationship.  Most modern Christians are so concerned about being “extreme” that they justify treating purity lightly.  But I believe we should be far more concerned about violating God’s

standard for righteousness than about coming across as “extreme” in our standards. 

Once a violation of purity has been allowed into a relationship (even if you haven’t technically had sex) your ability to hear God’s voice becomes clouded.  You think you are hearing the Spirit of God, when in reality you are only hearing the voice of your own selfish desires.  Purity is not something to mess with or take lightly.  Jesus Christ cannot remain at the center of a romance in which your own agenda is leading the way.  Scripture is very clear on how seriously we are to take the protection of purity in our lives:

“Do not be deceived.  Neither fornicators, nor idolaters, nor adulterers, nor homosexuals, nor sodomites, nor thieves, nor covetous, nor drunkards, nor revilers, nor extortioners will inherit the kingdom of God…Now the body is not for sexual immorality but for the Lord, and the Lord for the body…Do you not know that your bodies are members of Christ?...Flee sexual immorality. Every sin that a man does is outside the body, but he who commits sexual immorality sins against his own body. Or do you not know that your body is the temple of the Holy Spirit who is in you, whom you have from God, and you are not your own? For you were bought at a price; therefore glorify God in your body and in your spirit, which are God's.”

             I Corinthians 6:9-20

    When God talks about fleeing sexual immorality, He doesn’t mean to be cavalier about all physical expression up until the point of technically having sex.  He means to run away from anything that would compromise the purity of the sacred marriage covenant He designed between a man and a woman.

“But fornication and all uncleanness or covetousness, let it not even be named among you, as is fitting for saints.”

Ephesians 5:3

The phrase “not even be named among you” literally means that there is not to be even a hint of uncleanness or sexual impurity in our lives.  When God prescribes that young men and women treat each other as “brothers and sisters, with all purity” – He means it. (ref) Even if you are in a serious relationship with someone, that doesn’t give you a justifiable reason to engage in sensual touch prior to your wedding day.  Until you enter into a sacred marriage covenant, you are to treat him as a brother, with all purity.  Think about what that means.  Would you kiss your younger brother on the mouth?  Would you wrap your arms around him sensually?  Would you rest your hand on his thigh, or allow him to rest his hand on yours?  Would you sidle up to him on the coach and whisper “sweet nothings” into his ear?  (If you would – then it’s probably time to address some serious issues in your sibling relationships!)  It may sound extreme to treat your serious boyfriend or fiancé the same way you would your brother, but that is God’s prescription.  In fact, He goes as far as to say that if there is any temptation toward compromise in a pre-marriage relationship, the couple should go ahead and get married in order to avoid sexual sin:

“...but if they cannot exercise self-control, let them marry.  For it is better to marry than to

burn with passion.”

I Corinthians 7:9

Giving sway to impurity seems so right in the heat of the moment. Sexual temptation is very much like the above-mentioned harlot in Proverbs

– it entices us with sweet-sounding reasons about how harmless and beautiful it is to express our love physically.  But with each step down the path of impurity, we venture further away from the perfect design and sacred intent of our King.  And soon we end up with only a shell of a God-written love story – a relationship that proclaims to honor Christ but in reality only honors self.  That’s a shaky and dangerous foundation upon which to build a marriage.

When Eric and I were first married, a Christian leader took notice of the fact that we had “wisdom beyond our years” about spiritual things.  He felt that the reason we had been blessed with unusual spiritual insight was because we’d protected the purity of our relationship prior to marriage.  We’d listened to God’s Spirit above our own fleshly desires, and as a result we had cultivated the ability to hear His voice without the cloudiness and confusion that compromise so often brings.  Honoring and protecting purity did so much more than merely enhance the romance in our marriage relationship.  It strengthened our relationship with Jesus Christ and laid the foundation for our marriage to be built upon His amazing strength.

So I no longer apologize for the fact that Eric and I didn’t kiss until our wedding day.  I no longer act sheepish when I talk about the Jane Austen dignity that marked our love story.  Esteeming purity in all its glory – and going to every “extreme” necessary in order to guard it – is what made our God-written love story a taste of Heaven on earth. And I hope with all of my heart that you will experience the depths of Christ-centered romance the way that we did.

When I describe the level of purity and innocence that marked my relationship with Eric, it may seem hard to believe that we both came from very impure backgrounds.  Eric and I grew up in Christian homes and went to youth group, but like most Christian young people today we approached purity from a selfish vantage point.  We constantly asked, “how far is too far?” rather than “how far can I possibly go to please God and honor my future spouse?”  And as a result, our lives were full of sin, selfishness and compromise.  Both of us gave our heart, mind, emotions and bodies carelessly away in temporary flings, even though we “technically” kept our virginity.  For most of our young adult lives, saving a kiss until our wedding day would have been the last thing either of us would have considered doing.

By the time I caught a vision for the amazing purity and breathtaking beauty that marked a Christ-centered love story, I honestly felt like it was too late for me to ever experience it.  Sure, I’d technically kept my abstinence commitment, but my purity had been forsaken long ago.  I’d allowed the treasure of my heart, emotions, and body to be trampled time and time again.  I knew I was unworthy of a God-written love story.

But then, in His gentle, tender, patient way, my King began to show me that I could be completely washed clean, restored, and made new.  If I was willing to repent and receive His forgiveness, I could be set free from all the baggage of the past, cleansed from all the impurity I’d allowed into my life.  And I could experience the fullness of a brilliantly pure, God-scripted love story, through the power of His redemption.  It seemed almost too good to be true, but it was exactly what He promised.

God-scripted love stories are not just for those who have never compromised.  In fact, the very reason that Christ sacrificed everything for us was to offer us the chance to be restored, washed clean, and given a hope and future.  Just look at this amazing picture of Christ’s heart toward those of us who have sinned:

And when the scribes and Pharisees saw Him eating with the tax collectors and sinners, they said to His disciples, “How is it that He eats and drinks with tax collectors and sinners?”  When Jesus heard it, He said to them, “Those who are well have no need of a physician, but those who are sick.  I did not come to call the righteous, but sinners, to repentance.

If you feel that you’ve “gone too far” to experience a truly pure and beautiful God-scripted love story, let me assure you that it’s never too late to be restored and made new by His amazing cleansing blood.

Repentance means turning and walking the other direction.  Once you awaken to the fact that you are heading over a cliff, simply stop, turn, ask God’s forgiveness, and then, by His grace, head in the other direction. There is no reason to look back or second-guess your position as His child.  You should not expect a second-rate version of romance.  Once you have been restored by Him,

you are clothed in His righteousness.  You are entitled to all the benefits of His amazing Kingdom.  Your forgiveness is complete.  Your sin is removed as far from you as the east is from the west.  It is finished. 

We only need to read God’s word to know for certain that He did pay the price for our sin, once and for all.  We should never cheapen His amazing sacrifice by wondering whether His work on the cross was truly sufficient.  And we shouldn’t try to improve ourselves before coming to Him in repentance.  We shouldn’t focus on our unworthiness – but on His conquering, redeeming, transforming power; His precious blood shed on our behalf. Once you’ve been forgiven and set-free, you are ready and able to experience His very best for you in the area of romance. 

God-scripted love stories are not just for those who have never compromised.  In fact, the very reason that Christ sacrificed everything for us was to offer us the chance to be restored, washed clean, and given a hope and future.  Just look at this amazing picture of Christ’s heart toward those of us who have sinned:

And when the scribes and Pharisees saw Him eating with the tax collectors and sinners, they said to His disciples, “How is it that He eats and drinks with tax collectors and sinners?”  When Jesus heard it, He said to them, “Those who are well have no need of a physician, but those who are sick.  I did not come to call the righteous, but sinners, to repentance.

If you feel that you’ve “gone too far” to experience a truly pure and beautiful God-scripted love story, let me assure you that it’s never too late to be restored and made new by His amazing cleansing blood.

Repentance means turning and walking the other direction.  Once you awaken to the fact that you are heading over a cliff, simply stop, turn, ask God’s forgiveness, and then, by His grace, head in the other direction. There is no reason to look back or second-guess your position as His child.  You should not expect a second-rate version of romance.  Once you have been restored by Him, you are clothed in His righteousness.  You are entitled to all the benefits of His amazing Kingdom.  Your forgiveness is complete.  Your sin is removed as far from you as the east is from the west.  It is finished. 

We only need to read God’s word to know for certain that He did pay the price for our sin, once and for all.  We should never cheapen His amazing sacrifice by wondering whether His work on the cross was truly sufficient.  And we shouldn’t try to improve ourselves before coming to Him in repentance.  We shouldn’t focus on our unworthiness – but on His conquering, redeeming, transforming power; His precious blood shed on our behalf. Once you’ve been forgiven and set-free, you are ready and able to experience His very best for you in the area of romance.  *