you live as if your time and decisions were your own, or His?  Did you allow the distractions and allurements of this world to turn your head, to occupy your thoughts, or to dictate your choices?  Or was He your sole pursuit?  How did you spend your free time?  Doing what you felt like doing?  Or pouring out your life for Him?

Nearly all of us have selfish habit patterns that need to be re-made by Christ’s Spirit.  I would encourage you to spend some focused time in prayer and waiting on God, allowing Him to gently reveal those areas of your life that need His transforming touch.  Allow His Spirit to open your eyes to any part of your daily existence in which you typically yield to your selfish whims and desires.  You may find it helpful to write down anything that He brings to mind.  Then, pray specifically for the grace to silence your selfish side in each of these areas, and begin putting it into practice in your everyday life.  (For example, choosing to joyfully respond when your alarm clock goes off, instead of lazily pushing the snooze button or angrily hurling it across the room.)

It may take a few days, weeks, or months for those old habits to fully die.  But if you allow Him to re-train your daily decisions and enable you to “deny yourself, pick up your Cross, and follow Him” you will soon understand from firsthand experience what Paul meant when he said, “it is no longer I who live, but Christ who lives in me.” (Gal 2:20)

What makes a woman truly captivating? Not self-esteem, self-discovery, or self-confidence, but self-denial; a joyful willingness to decrease, so that Jesus Christ might increase.  Find a woman who cares about nothing but loving, serving, honoring and glorifying Jesus Christ, and you will see who truly is “the fairest of them all.”

This became an unofficial mantra that was chanted to girls in Christian circles, presumably to keep us from ending up with an eating disorder or plastic surgery fetish because we had bought into the world’s impossible standards for beauty.  

The problem was, no matter how often I heard people say, “Love yourself!” or “You are beautiful the way you are!” I still felt miserably insecure.

I recently read an interview with a famous Victoria’s Secret model who admitted, “Everything about my beauty is fake.  From my hair to my nose to my toes – it’s all fake.”

Our world bombards us with an image of feminine beauty that is not even based upon reality.  That standard is what we as women are told to pursue, and that image is what guys are told to desire.

In Christian circles are told to appreciate our own unique beauty and accept ourselves for who we are.  Meanwhile, we are constantly

allowed herself to be used by one guy after the next.

Lindsey represents the plight of countless young women in her generation, desperately seeking self-worth through a Barbie-like figure, a reckless lifestyle, and plenty of male attention.  She works hard to exude a carefree attitude.  But you can hear an emptiness and hopelessness in her voice.  It’s obvious she is miserable.  But she doesn’t see any other way to survive in our cruel, relentless culture.

With this being the sad state of reality for modern young women, it’s no wonder the church has embarked upon a self-esteem crusade.  There is no question that today’s women are desperately insecure.  There is no question that our lives are teetering on the edge of disaster; that self-hatred, self-abuse, and self-destruction have become the norm among the female camp.  And sadly, women in the church are struggling just as much as their non-Christian counterparts.

But is self-esteem the right answer?

Is it true that God wants us to love ourselves and feel good about who we are?  Does He long for us to learn to “inhabit our own beauty” or “be true to our real selves?”  Is that His goal for His royal daughters?  Is that the answer to overcoming our intense insecurity?I’ve met loads of Christian young women who have gotten excited about a message or read a book that “sets them free to become their true selves” and cast off all the insecurities placed upon them by culture, their family, and even the church.  But every time, it proves to be merely a temporary solution.  At first, they are just so relieved to hear someone say, “It’s time you stopped listening to all this pressure of the world.  Don’t try to meet other people’s expectations.  Just be true to

The secret to becoming the radiant, beautiful princess of our childhood dreams is forgetting all about our self and becoming completely consumed with only one thing – Jesus Christ.  Just as John the Baptist who declared, “I must decrease, so that He might increase!”

This isn’t just the secret to living out the true Gospel; it’s also the secret to glowing with divine loveliness.  It’s the cure for female insecurity. 

Think about it.  A woman who has truly denied herself, taken up her cross, and become entirely consumed with Jesus Christ is not going to be an insecure young woman, starving herself and obsessed with making herself look more attractive.  Rather, she’s so enraptured with Jesus Christ that she’s completely lost sight of herself.  As Bishop Bardsley put it, “they care not at all what the world thinks of them, because they are entirely taken up with the tremendous realities of their King.”

A woman who has yielded her selfish agenda to the Spirit of Jesus Christ, who does not listen to the voice of her self but yields only to the voice of her King is not going to become a sex object, throwing herself at guy after guy in desperation.  Her security comes from a completely different source.  She doesn’t derive her value from the attention of guys.  Her value comes from knowing she has been redeemed and loved by the King of all kings.  Her focus is on His desires, not on her own selfish wants.

spending their time trying to feel better about themselves or inhabiting their own beauty.  They aren’t even thinking about themselves.  Their desire is to decrease, so that Jesus Christ would increase.

The secret to overcoming insecurity is not learning to esteem self, but learning to deny self.

It may seem like backwards reasoning at first, but I guarantee if you follow this path, you will discover a freedom you never knew was possible.  You will no longer need lectures on feeling better about yourself.  You will not need books that remind you how good and valuable and beautiful you really are.  Why?  Because you will be so swept away by Jesus Christ – the true source of all beauty – that none of those things will seem important.  You won’t be focused on yourself anymore – you’ll be caught up in Him alone and everything else will fade to the background.

Only when self moves out of the way can His spectacular glory come cascading through your life.  When Jesus is in His rightful place, all insecurity will fade away and His lasting loveliness will become the mark of your life.

Jackie Pullinger, a missionary in China, tells the story of leading a fifty-year-old prostitute to Christ.  This woman had been used, abused, mistreated and defiled in just about every way imaginable for her entire life.  “How is she ever going experience inner healing?” Jackie wondered.  “If we have to talk and pray through every horrible thing she’s been through, it’s going to take forever.”  But then the woman began to discover amazing joy by turning outward and helping others in need.  She went to the hospitals and washed the wounds of the injured.  She went to homes for the elderly and brushed the matted hair of the patients. 

The women throughout Christian history who have truly glowed with heavenly beauty all had one thing in common – an emptying of self.  They were so caught up in the things of God that they gave no thought to their own lives.  They did not seek to draw eyes to themselves.  The sought to bring glory to Jesus Christ alone.

As a result, they were some of the most confident, poised and courageous women that have ever lived.  They accomplished amazing things for the Kingdom of God.  They saved lives.  They stood before Kings.  They rescued dying children.  They reformed societies. 

And they did it without spending their time and energy focused on self.

Every once in a while, I meet a modern young women who is blissfully unaware of herself. 

When I was sixteen, I was amazed by the example of Eric’s sister, Krissy.  She was so caught up in her love for Jesus Christ and in sharing His love with others that she didn’t even notice the pressures and expectations of society.  She was completely unaffected by the magazine covers and billboards screaming out an impossible standard for beauty.  She didn’t even notice the millions of guys lusting after porn stars.  These things did not cause her to turn inward and be riddled with insecurity.  She wasn’t worried about the size of her thighs or if she looked sexy in a swimsuit.  She didn’t obsess over finding a guy.  She was far too busy living out a daily romance with her Lord to notice the empty and meaningless clamor of the world.

The most beautiful women I’ve ever observed are those that have exchanged a self-focused life for a Christ-focused one.  They are confident, but not in themselves.  Instead of self-confidence, they radiate with Christ-confidence.  They aren’t

1 Peter 2:4 exhorts, “Beloved, I beg you as sojourners and pilgrims, abstain from fleshly lusts which war against the soul.”

And Galations 5:16  commands us, “Walk after the Spirit and you will not fulfill the lusts of the flesh.”

All throughout Scripture, we are told to yield to the voice of God’s Spirit, rather than the voice of our flesh.  But to most of us, the term “flesh” is just an outdated, vague term that we don’t really understand.   

Here is a vital truth we must recognize in order to live a successful Christian life:  “Flesh” is just another word for self – our selfish, put-my-own-wants-first side.  Many of us don’t even realize we have a selfish, fleshly side.  We make decisions based on our own whims and desires.  We do what makes us feel good.  We follow our selfish wants.  It’s easy to live as a slave to our flesh without even realizing it, especially if we go to church, read Christian books, and spend time doing spiritual things.

Our culture, even our Christian culture, has a tendency to encourage us to listen to our fleshly side.  Follow your heart!  Pay attention to your emotional and physical needs!  Don’t just meet everyone else’s needs – take time for YOU!   What do you want out of life?  How can you fulfill your destiny?  All of these questions cause us to focus inward – on what we want, what we need, and who we are.

And yet the Bible makes it clear that if we yield to the flesh, we cannot yield to the Spirit of God.  The flesh wars against all the things of God – and it must be silenced in order for us to deny self, take up our Cross and follow our King.

“It was serving others that healed her,” Jackie said.  This woman who had been so battered, bruised and wounded chose to deny herself and pour out her life for the cause of Christ.  And soon, she was made new again.  She gained incredible peace, joy, and freedom.  She began to sparkle with a beautiful inner glow.  She even got married to a Christian man, and as Jackie said, “She was like a teenager on her wedding day; she had all her life back again.”  That’s God’s way.  We are restored and renewed as we focus on Him and on His priorities, and allow Him to turn our focus away from self.

I remember hearing a true story about Eric’s grandmother when she was a young woman.  Anytime she was going through a time of sadness or inner struggle, she would find someone in her life who was in need – a sick friend, a poor family in the community, or a neglected child – and spend time loving and serving that person.  Without fail, her own problems would fade into the background, and she would always find tremendous joy and freedom from turning away from herself and focusing on the needs of someone else.  That story has always inspired me – it’s helped me realize that the cure for insecurity, depression and emotional turmoil is simpler than I sometimes think.

1 Peter 4:2 tells us that we should no longer live the rest of our time “in the flesh or for the lusts of men, but for the will of God.”

Romans 8:1 says, “There is therefore now no condemnation to those who are in Christ Jesus, who do not walk according to the flesh, but according to the Spirit.”

As Ian Thomas so eloquently said,

The Christian life can be explained only in terms of Jesus Christ, and if your life as a Christian can still be explained in terms of you – your personality, your willpower, your gift, your talent, your money, your courage, your scholarship, your dedication, your sacrifice, or your anything – then although you may have the Christian life, you are not yet living it.

Contrary to what our culture insists, this life is not about us.  It’s about Him.  And only when we put to silence our selfish side can we radiate with divine Heavenly beauty.  So how do we learn to yield to the Spirit instead of fulfilling the lusts of the flesh?  It starts with simple, everyday decisions.                                                                          

Often, it starts with your morning alarm clock.  Do you yield to the beckoning whisper of Christ’s Spirit, asking you to get up and spend time with Him, or listen to your own selfish desire to stay in bed?  Our entire day is filled with those kinds of decisions.  We can either claim this life as our own, and do what our flesh desires, or we can deny self, take up our cross and follow Him.  The more we yield to His Spirit, the more we are able, by His supernatural grace, to live the set-apart life He has called us to live.

Daily life is filled with hundreds of choices to either give in to selfish whims or yield to Christ’s Spirit.  But most of us are so used to obeying the commands of our carnal desires that our ears are deaf to the Spirit of God.  Silencing our selfish side takes a lot of focus and a heavy dose of supernatural enabling grace.  But Christ is more than interested in equipping us to put to death the desires of our flesh.

When you woke up this morning, did you think of your day as belonging to you, or Him?  Did

Arianna, a passionate young college student, recently told me about a new Christian book she’d just read.  “It was so amazing,” she gushed, “I have finally learned how to love myself and feel good about who I am!”

Megan, an outgoing eighteen-year-old, was equally inspired by a speaker at her church.  “She told us we need to be set free from all the wounds of our past and all the expectations of other people, and just learn to be true to our real selves.” 

I am continually amazed at how often we as young Christian women are inundated with messages about the importance self-esteem.  Of course, in Christian circles it may be termed something different – but it’s all basically the same package.  Whether it’s learning to love yourself, learning to get comfortable in your own skin, learning to live to your “true self”, or learning to live out your destiny and become a better “you” – messages that promote “feeling good about yourself” are extremely popular in American Christianity. 

I grew up hearing messages about self-esteem. 

In my book Set Apart Femininity I described a scene from my youth group when I was fourteen years old.  Our young, hip youth pastor, Kevin Richards, was doing a devotional lesson on self-esteem.  He prescribed that we all go home that day, look at our reflection in the mirror and say aloud, “I love you!”  It seemed ridiculous to all of us, and most of us just laughed at his words.  But Kevin insisted that self-esteem was actually God’s idea. “God wants you to love yourself!” Kevin told us emphatically.

As a young woman growing up in church, I continually heard the message, “You are beautiful just the way you are!”

assaulted by a world that insists we aren’t alluring enough – that we need to change our bodies, our clothes, and our personality in order to be more appealing.  And the same culture that trains us as young women to become sexy, sultry, and seductive also trains men to lust after women who possess those traits.

The moment we walk out our front door, we see clusters of guys drooling over any skimpily dressed, well-proportioned female that passes by.  We watch them lustfully grin at sultry, bikini-clad models on the covers of magazines.  We hear them talk about the incredible bodies of the hottest young singers or actresses on TV.  We even catch many of them sneaking frequent peaks at Internet porn.

And pretty soon the message, “you are beautiful the way you are” falls empty and flat.  We are told to love ourselves, but all we feel is worthless and ugly.

Lindsey is a twenty-two year old single mom who was raised in a conservative Christian home and claimed to have a relationship with Christ for most of her life.  But when she was eighteen, things took a downward turn.  After a boyfriend broke up with her, she felt intensely insecure and struggled deeply with self-hatred.  She started hanging out at bars and clubs, drinking and going home with guys she barely knew. Within months, she was pregnant.  But even that didn’t alter her course.  She kept her baby, but her lifestyle didn’t change.  Even though she desires to be a good mom to her child, Lindsey’s first priority is keeping herself sexually appealing.  Her hair is bleach-blonde, her eyes are caked with dark mascara, her chest has been surgically enhanced, and her clothes are always skin-tight.  The only way she feels any sense of worth or value is when she is with a guy – even if it’s just a weekend fling.  As a result, she’s

yourself!”  It’s a refreshing message in a day and age where we are bombarded with “you are not good enough” mantras.  And it’s easy to assume that because the self-esteem message so clearly describes our frustration with the pressures of modern society, it also presents the right solution.

But after a few months, something happens to shake their newly adopted commitment to love themselves.  A guy breaks up with them.  They are overlooked for a job.  Or they simply see too many movies and magazine covers to feel good about themselves anymore.

So once again, they are wallowing in insecurity.

Why doesn’t the self-esteem solution provide lasting results? 

Because the solution presented is all about self. 

Self-love, self-acceptance, and self-promotion.  Love yourself.  Be true to yourself.  Live to yourself.  Some of these messages even go as far as to say that by living this way, we will bring glory to God. 

But what is the pattern of Scripture?

Christ said, “Whoever desires to come after Me, let him deny himself, and take up his cross, and follow Me.” (Mark 8:34 NKJV) The word “deny” here literally translates: to forget one's self, lose sight of one's self and one's own interests.  We are meant to let all thoughts of self become swallowed up in Him.

Oswald Chambers said,