My friend’s expression bore concern and disappointment as he gazed around our church auditorium.  I followed his eyes around the room, filled with people whom I had known for years.  Their life stories told one of a failed Christianity.  One that started off strong but crashed and burned as life got tough.  It was getting harder and harder to decipher the difference between the church and world. 

I whispered back, "If there is more than what we have seen so far in Christianity - we need to find it."

For my friend and I, the "throw your sticks in the camp fire" youth group messages that we had grown up on were not sustaining us throughout our college years.  We were being faced with college professor's cunning questions about Christianity and were more times than not left without an answer.

Both of us had fallen into a lifestyle of sin.  Holiness seemed like a foreign concept.  The fire that once burned bright during our youth group days had faded as we grew up.  We were growing increasingly indifferent to the things of God and greatly intrigued by the ways of the world. 

As the church meeting began to wind down, my friend and I escaped to a local coffee shop down the street.  His eyes stared off into the distance, his mind deep in thought.  "Kelly, just think about the worship songs we sing each Sunday."

Sipping my peppermint tea I nodded my head, unsure of where he was going with this.

"I mean, be honest, Kelly, is Jesus truly all that you need?  Is Jesus more than enough for you?  Do you really go to church to bow down to your King? Is Jesus really your desire?"

My eyes quickly glanced away from his stare.  I could tell by his gaze that he was looking past my eyes and into my heart.  I shifted awkwardly in my seat wishing to avoid these piercing questions that were reaching to the depths of my salvation.

"I guess I never really thought about it before, to be honest."

"But now that you are thinking about it, do you truly know Jesus like the way you sing each Sunday?"

Now I was getting uncomfortable and bit annoyed at these convicting questions.

I shot him a look that informed him he was getting close to crossing a line.  "No, do you?"

He shook his head and softly whispered, "No.  But I wish I did."

That conversation drove me to spend the next season of my life with one goal.  To know and understand Jesus Christ in reality.  Not the Jesus that seemed to quickly come and go with little to no working power in the modern day church, but the real Jesus that truly transformed lives and brought victory over sin.

After the coffee shop I went home and began to surf the web for a while, stumbling upon Eric & Leslie Ludy's website.  I had read When Dreams Come True, and was intrigued to hear more about these authors.  I noticed that Eric and Leslie were hosting an Authentic Girl Weekend Retreat that upcoming summer.   

Maybe this is where I can find what I am looking for.  The next day I contacted the coordinator of the weekend, Annie, and was surprised by the joyful voice I heard on the other end.  There was something she had that I didn't, though at the time I wasn't quite sure what it was.  After a few minutes of discussing the details of the event, I was signed up to go in July.

In the months leading up to the retreat, my friend who had been questioning me at the coffee shop, began to slowly fall away from church.  He sadly became one of the seventy-five percent in our generation who stops attending church all together before the college years are over.  He went from seeking to doubting to even hating all that he once stood for.  Now I was determined more than ever to find out what was happening to the Christianity around me.  What was missing?

I had no idea what to expect when I arrived that weekend in Colorado.  All I knew was that Jesus was calling me out there to find the missing puzzle piece to my weak and often times failed version of Christianity.

By the third teaching session that weekend I was beginning to understand why the Lord had called me out there.  The message that was trying to penetrate into my heart was that Jesus Christ needed to be Lord of my life if He were to live in me.  I needed to be holy for He was holy.  I needed to be set apart from this world.  All of these things I had yet to ever really live out. 

Could it actually be that Jesus had yet to truly enter my heart since I refused to give Him the ruling throne of my life?  I wanted Jesus as my Savior, but certainly not as Lord over this life.  Could these two not be separated? 

My flesh quickly piped in.  "Oh, that's ridiculous.  Kelly, you said the salvation prayer back when you were thirteen and were even baptized.  Of course Jesus came into your heart.  You don't need to accept Him as Lord, that's a bit too extreme."

My mind was spinning around in circles and my heart was beating faster and faster as Eric continued to preach on the Lordship of Christ.

Was I a slave of Jesus Christ?  Had I yet to truly ever die to myself?  Was I ever decreasing so that my Lord Jesus could ever be increasing within my life?

"Come on, Kelly, a slave?  Jesus only calls a few, select people to that kind of lifestyle, like the Mother Teresa's of the world.  Please, He certainly doesn't expect the same from you." My flesh was fighting back as it knew its time of death was drawing near.

Before the message came to a close, tears were streaming down my face.  I closed my eyes and I pictured the Lord Jesus literally dethroning myself and sitting down on the now vacant throne.  As I saw Him in His holiness, I for the first time saw myself in filthy rags, covered with the stains of sin.  He was clothed in a magnificent white robe which shone brightly within my heart.  His light illuminated all the dark places that I had tried to keep covered up for many years.

By now the tears were pouring down.  Why would such a beautiful Lord want to sit in the midst of such filth?  What would He want to do with such a wretch like me?  For the first time in my life, at that moment, I understood what it meant to fear God. 

Just as I was beginning to tremble at all that was happening, the Lord Jesus stepped off the throne and began to clothe me in His robes.  Where there was stains truly red as scarlet, He made white as snow that day.  Where there were rags there were now riches.

I then noticed a sharp object in my Lord's hand.  I thought to myself, "Now what in the world is He going to do with that?"

Eric's final message was about how in the Old Testament a slave that was about ready to be set free could willingly become a slave for life out of love for his master.  The free slave would return to the master's house and the master would literally pierce his ear as a sign that his freedom was forever gone, and his full devotion was forever to the master.  Exodus 21 explains in greater detail the story.

Though the voice was not audible, I heard my Lord gently command, "I need to pierce your ear so that You will be my bondservant.  Once the ear is pierced you will have no rights ever again.  Your only right will be to serve Me."

This was it!  This was what was missing all these years.  My ear was never yet pierced by my Lord Jesus.  I had never yielded nor submitted to His rulership over my life.  He had never yet truly come in my life as Lord.

It was then that I realized why Annie's faith, the coordinator of the weekend, was so different from my own.  She had a Lord she was living for.  Her thoughts and actions were not ruled or dictated by her own will, but rather Jesus' will.  I too needed not just a Savior but a Lord.

Though the room was filled with others, it was as if it were just Jesus and I in the moments that followed.  With the sharp object He pierced my ear, and without a word went back to sit on His rightful place, on the throne of my life.

That was now almost two years ago.  In many respects it seems like just yesterday, for when I close my eyes, I can still see Him on the throne, ruling mightily for His glory.

What has happened between now and then will probably take another entire article to write, but let me briefly summarize the joyous and victorious and yet strenuous journey my Lord Jesus has taken me on! 

The journey began when the Spirit of God convicted me of Psalm 16:11.  It says, "In thy presence is fullness of joy and pleasures forevermore."  Anything that I was pursuing that quenched the presence of God was simply a substitute for the joy and life that my Lord wanted to impart. 

There were so many things I was allowing in as distractions and even hindrances from the Lord's Word and presence becoming the ruling

source of my life.  The Lord led me through a very intense time of emptying my life of all that stood in the way of experiencing the fullness of His presence.  This included removing all the things that the Lord Jesus hated, because with Him now in me, these things were tainting the holiness He longed to bring into my life.

This season of emptying was very painful as it resulted in the loss of friendships as I separated myself from the typical college night activities to be with the Lord.  It was a season of loneliness and yet a season of building a dependency on Jesus.  I yearned and pleaded to be able to sing in reality, "Jesus you are enough for me."  If this were to be the case, I would need to embark upon a season, where all was stripped away, and all I could cling to was Him.  

It was amazing how much more free time I had to study the Word of God and enjoy the presence of God as I removed things such as movies, T.V., and college parties.  I was now an empty vessel that was rid of mere substitutes and was ready to be filled with the reality of my Lord's life. 

The next season of being filled with His Word and Spirit were and continue to be astounding!  As I was free from the cultural and social pressures of going out and being constantly entertained, I was able to really understand what Jesus meant when He said in John 10:10, "I have come to give life and that abundantly."  Or when He talked about imparting living waters in abundance, referring to the Holy Spirit, I could actually understand in reality what He was referring to.  I was being filled with joys that I never knew existed as I studied the Word of God.

As the Lord continued to fill my life with sovereign rule, He began to fill me with His heartbeat for the oppressed.  He desired that I not hoard all of this joy to myself, but rather spill it out onto His people, as He spilled out His life for me. 

Life has not been the same since He has opened my eyes to the needs right around me, such as local refugees from Burma, who are in need of both physical and spiritual necessities. 

I encourage all of you reading this to allow the Spirit of God to search to the depths of your heart and salvation, with this one question that forever changed the way I live life.  Do you know Jesus Christ as Lord of your life?  Have you ever entered into a season of emptying the things God hates?  Have you structured your life in such a way that your free moments are being filled with the Word of God, fellowship, and prayer?  Are you spilling out your joy and love for the Lord on His oppressed?   

His Lordship is truly worth spending every waking moment pursuing!  *

“

               ”