In seventh grade, boys were my nemesis. 

Boys were loud and obnoxious, insensitive and crude. At the age of twelve, I was painfully awkward, shy and insecure – and this unfortunate combination smacked a bright red “easy target” sign in the middle my forehead.  Every morning on the bus ride to school, I was mercilessly tormented by a gangly, puberty-stricken clamor of testosterone.  Max Johnson, the ringleader, seemed to think it was his personal mission in life to demonstrate his masculine superiority over all womankind by using me as a verbal punching bag in front of his friends.  His specific put-downs were a bit too profane for me to include in this book, but suffice it to say that, using many creative and perverted metaphors, Max deemed me unfeminine, un-sexy and wholly undesirable to the male species.

I hated seventh grade boys.  They made my life miserable.  Nearly all of them had this annoyingly arrogant, strut-on-the-beach-like-Tom-Cruise-in-Top-Gun attitude – conveniently overlooking the fact that they could barely bench press 45 pounds, didn’t have enough facial hair to warrant owning a razor, and had to ride a big yellow bus to school because they weren’t old enough to drive.  Taking their cues from older brothers and pop-culture role models, they treated every girl like a piece of meat to either be lustfully consumed or carelessly discarded – depending on the level of her sex appeal.  I ranked dismally low on the sexiness scale at the age of twelve, so like an overcooked steak, I was chewed up and spit back out by Max and his gang of Hollywood-heart-throb wannabe’s.

But it wasn’t just their ridiculous display of male ego that made me despise them.  It was the paralyzing fear that when it came to guys – this was all I could ever expect.

    Like every other American female, I’d grown up with the fairy tales.  I knew what kind of man I wanted to end up with someday.  I wanted a gentleman; someone who would stand up for me, cherish me, find me beautiful and have eyes for no other woman but me.  I wanted a man who wasn’t just interested in my physical appearance, but someone who took delight in exploring the deepest caverns of my heart and soul.  I wanted a true hero – a guy who didn’t just talk a big talk, but someone marked by masculine nobility and honor.  I wanted a guy who was selfless; a guy who would give his life to protect those weaker than himself.  I wanted a gallant knight.

    But by the age of twelve, I was starting to awaken to the fact that I wasn’t living in a fairy tale.  On the contrary, I seemed to be living in a warped counter-fairy-tale reality, where the most “noble” act a man seemed capable of was putting the toilet seat down after using it, and the most “faithful” of men were those who chose to live out their illicit fantasies via Internet porn rather than having an actual affair.  The majority of my friends’ parents were divorced, and most of the married husbands I observed had so completely tuned out their wives that they might as well have been bachelors. 

Happily, my own parents had a beautiful marriage and my dad was both noble and sensitive.  He was (and is) a wonderful husband and father, with none of the crude or debased tendencies so common among modern males.  Seeing his version of masculinity kept me holding on to the tiny shred of hope that maybe it was actually possible to end up with a heroic prince someday.  But the older I grew, the less hopeful I became.

After countless bus rides amid the taunting jeers and disgusting bathroom humor of Max Johnson and his cohorts, I was beginning to think that I would be fortunate to find a guy who’s personality was even one step beyond the dismal standard of Beavis and Butthead.  And judging by most of the older brothers and dads I observed, men didn’t seem to change much between seventh grade and full-grown adulthood.  My friend Staci’s older brother – a cocky basketball player with spiked hair and a nose ring – spent all of his spare time concocting poems and short stories detailing various sexual acts and then circulating these literary masterpieces around his high school until they were legendary.  My neighbor Tyler started getting condoms and sex advice from his dad at the age of thirteen.  “Always keep a couple of them in your wallet,” Tyler’s dad instructed him, “and when you get the chance to score with a hot girl, don’t wimp out!  If you haven’t had sex with at least ten different girls by the time you graduate high school, I’ll be ashamed to call you my son.”

By the time I reached high school I had completely given up on the idea of finding a prince charming.  Most guys I knew hung posters of bikini-clad supermodels on their bedroom walls and carried Playboy magazines to school in their backpacks.  They implied that any high school girls they dated were merely stand-ins until they finally had the chance to hook up with their real fantasy – a Victoria’s Secret model or Playboy centerfold (conveniently overlooking the fact that they could never snag that kind of woman in the first place.) Like countless other girls, I became jaded by the sex-obsessed minds of modern guys.  I was plagued by insecurity, knowing that no matter how physically attractive I became, I could never measure up to the culture’s impossible standards for feminine sex appeal and thus, I could never really capture the

heart of a modern guy.

The extra-discouraging wrinkle to the whole saga was that Christian guys didn’t seem much different than all the other warped, perverted men of modern times.  In fact, my youth pastor Kevin

Richard’s greeted me (and several other girls) each week as we entered the youth room with a sly smile and the question, “So, who’s your boyfriend this week?”  Even my “Christian” male leader seemed to see girls the way all the other guys did – merely there for the pleasure and enjoyment of men.  If we weren’t hopping from boyfriend to boyfriend, then Kevin implied that we were abnormal.  And if we weren’t with a guy, we seemed to have very little purpose or value in his eyes.

In my book Authentic Beauty, I described a shocking experience I had overhearing a conversation between three “Christian” guys in the school cafeteria.  Though they were clean-cut, church-going guys, I listened in disgust as they lustfully described several girls’ bodies (and the sexual acts they desired to do with them) in pornographic detail.  Later when I confronted one of the guys (he happened to be an acquaintance of mine who sat behind me in Spanish class) about the depravity of his mind, I was told in a patronizing tone, “This is just the way guys are – get over it.”

Though I was discouraged and disgusted by the state of modern masculinity, I was desperately afraid of being unappealing to the opposite sex.  Like most other girls my age, I reasoned that being treated like a sex object was better than being disregarded by guys and spending the rest of my life alone.  So I began catering to the masculine perversion all around me – dressing seductively to gain male approval, laughing carelessly when guys explored my body in the

halls at school, and giving away my heart, emotions and almost all of my physical purity to one casual meaningless fling after the next.  And like most other girls my age, giving in to the dismal standard of modern masculinity left me heartbroken, wounded, and plagued with debilitating insecurity.  My feminine heart still longed for prince charming.  But my reality screamed that my desire for a noble knight was an immature, idiotic dream that could never come true, and that I was destined to end up with a self-focused, egotistical man who would always be lusting after other women even after he had pledged his heart to me.

~~

Popular urban legend states that men think about sex approximately every seven seconds.  Though there is no way to actually prove such a statement, simply being around modern guys seems to validate that rumor as scientific fact.  It’s a catch-22, if you think about it.  The culture sends a clear message to boys from the time that they are old enough to even notice the opposite sex that they are not normal unless they are fixated on the female body.  It becomes a self-fulfilling prophesy – boys want to be seen as masculine, so they eagerly step into the role that society creates for them, becoming sex-obsessed cave men incapable of seeing women as anything more than pieces of meat to be lustfully devoured.  The result is the perverted, sex-addicted version of manhood we see all around us.  And in case we ever doubt the severity of the problem, all we must do is take a look at these startling facts:

-Nearly 28 million guys visit at least one Internet porn site every month.

-The largest group of Internet porn users are boys between the age of 12 and 17.

-The Internet porn industry generates 12 billion dollars in annual revenue – more than the combined annual revenue of ABC, CBS, and NBC.

Though the Christian men of our culture are supposed to be the ones who will rise above the debased mediocrity around them, they are ensnared by the same warped perspective and sinful sexual vices as the rest of their male counterparts.  In fact,

the Church is literally inundated with pastors, leaders and Christ-professing men who are enslaved to Internet porn, pre-marital sex, adulterous affairs and even homosexuality. 51% of Pastors say Internet pornography is a possible temptation. 37% say it is a current struggle – and these are just the ones who were actually being honest when polled.  (www.covenanteyes.com)

And even more disturbing is the defeated attitude that we as Christians have taken toward this issue.  Not long ago I sat in a pastor’s office as he criticized a wife for being “offended” at her husband’s pornography addiction.  “He’s not a pervert or a sex addict,” the pastor said, “he’s just a normal, red-blooded male.  Every guy deals with this, and it’s time we stop making men feel ashamed about it.”

While I understand the reasoning behind such an attitude, I also believe it is extremely dangerous. Men with sexual addictions should not be mercilessly condemned by the Church – as in, “you are a hopeless, disgusting pervert and God wants nothing to do with you.”  However, we have swung in the opposite direction, eagerly embracing and even cheering on men in their sex-obsessed state, without expecting them to be set free by the transforming grace of God. 

I can’t even count the number of young women that have written me over the past few years, telling me about sexual compromise within their church.  Some of them have been sexually assaulted by their youth pastors.  Others have engaged in secret affairs with pastors or worship leaders.  Still others were sexually abused by their fathers – men who often were elders, deacons or leaders in the church.

A young man who just graduated from a Christian college told me, “The problem of sexual perversion is beyond rampant – even in the church. Having just come of out a Christian college, I can tell you categorically that there’s not a guy I met who wasn’t either struggling with lust or completely given over to it.  Many even seemed to take some pride in the fact.” 

Why are Christian men more defeated by sexual sin than ever before?  I believe that it’s largely because Christian men are inundated with voices that excuse slothful, sinful mediocrity rather than calling them to the righteous standard of Christ.  The Biblical principle of consecrating our bodies as the temple of the Most High God is conveniently ignored, while the worldly prescription “just do what feels good” reigns supreme.

In the popular Christian bestseller on manhood, Wild at Heart, the author writes about his current struggle with a defeated marriage and temptation toward sin:

As I write this chapter, Stasi and I have just returned from a friend’s wedding.  It was one of the best nuptials either of us have ever been to…the groom was young and strong and valiant, the bride was seductively beautiful.  Which is what made it so excruciating for me…Stasi and I were in a difficult place over the weekend.  Satan saw his opportunity and turned it into a bonfire without even one word between us.  By the time we got to the reception, I didn’t want to dance with her.  I didn’t even want to be in the same room.  All the hurt and disappointment of the years – hers and mine – seemed to be the only thing that was ever true about our marriage. [I thought] “I’m so tired of battling for our marriage.  How I wish we could start over.  It wouldn’t be that hard, you know.  Look at all these beautiful women.”  On and on it came, like a wave overwhelming the shore.  Sitting at the table with a group of our friends, I felt I was going to suffocate; I had to get out of there, get

some fresh air.  Truth be told, when I left the reception I had no intention of going back.  Either I’d wind up in a bar somewhere or back in our room watching T.V.  Thankfully I found a small library off the reception hall – I grabbed a book but could not read, I tried to pray but I did not want to.  Finally some words began to arise from my heart, “Jesus come and rescue my heart before I do something stupid.”

What a far cry from the fairy tale we all dream about!  This is the reality of most marriages, even Christian ones.  As women, we assume that it’s normal to be married to a man who, in the space of one weekend, can get so disgruntled with his marriage that he describes another man’s wife as “seductively beautiful”, refuses to even be in the same room with his wife after an argument, and notices every other beautiful woman in the room, wishing he could “start over” with one of them.  Most modern Christians treat a scenario like this as perfectly acceptable, which is why nobody made a fuss over this disturbing section of Wild at Heart.  But as I read about such blatant masculine defeat, I can’t help but think - if that is the best we can expect from a Christian marriage, why would we want to get married at all?  If that is the standard by which Christian husbands (and well known leaders, no less) think and act towards their wives, its no wonder that Christian marriages are crumbling left and right and that sexual sin wreaks havoc in countless Christ-professing lives.

This author is merely attempting to be honest with his struggles – and I commend him for being real rather than hypocritical.  However, as a Christian leader that thousands of men esteem, his example of mediocrity is just one more excuse for men to yield to the voice of their sinful, selfish flesh (i.e. do what feels good) rather than the Spirit of God.  Yes, the author escaped “doing something stupid” in regard to his

marriage – but not triumphantly.  He yielded to the voice of his sinful selfish nature from the moment that wedding began.  He gave in to lust, self-pity, and selfishness.  Rather than crying out to God for power to be victorious over sin, he left the reception hall fully intending to satisfy the cravings of his flesh – by going to a bar or a hotel room to watch T.V.  And even after sharing this story in the book, he blamed the entire struggle on lies from the enemy instead of a sinful yielding to sin on his part. 

Christianity has accepted the attitude that “guys are just built this way; they can’t help it, so let’s not make them feel bad”, and thus men are being carried away like helpless victims to selfishness, lust and sexual addiction. 

Not long after Wild at Heart was released, the pastor of one of the largest churches in our area confessed to cheating on his wife. He admitted that the pressures of ministry had taken its toll on his marriage and family, and in order to “escape and unwind” he went on a vacation (by himself – leaving wife and kids at home).  How did he spend his much-needed getaway time?  Not in prayer.  Not in focused pursuit of God.  Rather, he hung out in bars – and in his hotel room watching T.V.  It was almost like he was mimicking the Wild at Heart scenario exactly, only in his case, he did end up “doing something stupid” and sleeping with another woman.  Ironically, when he confessed his sin to his church body, they gave him a standing ovation.  They were far more impressed with the fact that he was “real” enough to admit his struggle than they were concerned that their Christ-professing leader was defeated by sin and selfishness.

Yet another church in our area – one of the largest in the nation – recently announced that their pastor had fallen into a lifestyle of deceit and sexual sin.  And again, it was when he “escaped” from his wife and children and went off for a self-

indulgent get-away to a big-city hotel that he caved to one of the many sexual temptations that presented itself in that environment.

This may be the reality of modern Christian men, but it is not God’s intention for masculinity.  Here is just a sampling of what Scripture says about guys and sexual purity:

You have heard that it was said to those of old, 'You shall not commit adultery.' But I say to you that whoever looks at a woman to lust for her has already committed adultery with her in his heart. If your right eye causes you to sin, pluck it out and cast it from you; for it is more profitable for you that one of

your members perish, than for your whole body to be cast into hell.  And if your right hand causes you to sin, cut it off and cast it from you; for it is more profitable for you that one of your members perish, than for your whole body to be cast into hell. (ref)

I have made a covenant with my eyes; Why then should I look upon a young woman?...If my heart has been enticed by a woman, or if I have lurked at my neighbor's door…that would be wickedness; Yes, it would be iniquity deserving of judgment. For that would be a fire that consumes to destruction, and would root out all my increase. (Job 31:9-12)

So how are we, as women, supposed to respond to the vast cavern between the righteous standard of Christ and the disturbing reality of modern masculinity?  Thus far, we haven’t been given the right answer.  I have read several books and magazine articles for Christian women that seek to help us live with guys’ lust problems in an understanding, non-nagging, non-critical way.  “We as women can’t possibly understand a man’s intense sex-drive,” they exhort us,  “and it’s time we stop making them feel like criminals for just doing what comes naturally to them.”

Criticism, nagging, or heaping guilt upon men, to be sure, will not help a man battling sex addictions and perversion.  But neither will shrugging our shoulders and saying “guys will be guys.”

What modern masculinity needs is a serious shot of the saving, redeeming, transforming, delivering power of Jesus Christ. 

And as women, it’s time we realize that we play a significant role in seeing that come about. Want to make a difference in the lives of the guys in your life?  Here are some practical ways to start today:

Hold men to a higher standard:  It’s easy to buy into the sarcastic attitudes of our culture toward guys, expecting them to never become more than lustful, insensitive cave--men.  But God has a much bigger vision for their lives, and so must we.  Whenever you have a chance to

encourage your younger brother, dad or guy-friend toward nobility and greatness – do miss the opportunity.  Speak to them about the kind of man God wants them to become – not with nagging criticism, but hopeful encouragement and motivation.  And when they showcase a less-than-Christ-like attitude, don’t just shrug and accept it.  Rather, let them know that you believe God has something so much better for them, and fight for them in diligent prayer until you see real changes happen in their lives. 

Don’t throw yourself at guys:  So many guys have told me that if women would refrain from throwing themselves at one guy after the next, and hold out for a true man of Christ-like nobility, it would force guys to change.  Ask God to overcome your impatience and give you the strength to wait for

a true warrior-poet rather than settling for less just because you are afraid you’ll miss your chance.  Not with arrogance, but with patient trust in Christ, allow a guy to prove that he is truly worthy of your heart, rather than tossing it to someone who doesn’t value or treasure it.  If you want a warrior-poet man, then become a true princess of purity who knows how to guard what is sacred.

Make Jesus Christ your first love:  When we have a Christ-consumed heart, guys no longer dominate our thinking, our actions, and our decisions.  Rather, the Lover of our soul captivates us so completely that every guy we meet clearly sees that Jesus is, and always will be, the number one Prince of our heart. These lyrics from a song by According to John capture it beautifully:

What a beautiful smile

A radiant girl

Fell in love first time I saw her

She stays on my mind

I’d give anything

To know everything about her

There’s light in her eyes

And I know it’s all for Him

She carries on and on

Like He was her best friend

Chorus:

She’s in love

It’s not hard to see

But I would like to believe it was with me

Someone got a hold of her heart

And He won’t let go

And I know

She’s in love

She looks to the sky

When she talks about Him

She believes He hung the moon

Said He had to go away

She waits for his return

Says He’s coming for her soon

How can this be fair?

This guy can walk on water

Don’t guess I’ve got a prayer

He’s written love letters to reach her

She worships the ground He walks on

She just smiles when she says His name

It’s a match made in heaven

I can’t compete with the King of Kings

    Until a guy can truly say that about your life, you aren’t truly ready for an earthly prince charming.  Until Jesus Christ is the obsession of your heart, you’ll always be looking to mere men to meet needs that only He can fill.  Only when you make Jesus Christ your first love, will you be ready for a love story that reflects His glory.

No matter how discouraged you might be about the state of modern guys, remember that the problems of modern manhood are not too big for God.  He has a huge vision for His men – the very standard of Jesus Christ.  And if you are willing, you can be a part of one of the most amazing, God-inspired reformations in history – a radical return of manhood as God intended it to be, in all of its glory, strength, nobility and honor.  Living a set-apart life won’t just change you – it will change the life of every man that you encounter.