Question #2

This is a bleak irony that countless Christian single women face.  They struggle daily with surrendering their dreams for marriage back to God and being content with singleness.  They come to church hoping to find love, support and encouragement – but often the very people who should be cheering them on in their life of abandonment to Christ are the ones who overlook or disregard them because they are not married yet.  I’ve heard many single young women say that being around Christians only seems to breed discontentment, impatience and insecurity, rather than joy, inspiration, and strength for the journey. There is no question that modern Christians are insensitive to single young men and women.  American Christianity does not typically encourage or support the concept of letting God orchestrate your love story – especially once you are older than twenty-five.  At every turn, single girls are invited to Christian singles groups where they can meet available men, or told about online Christian dating services where they can be matched with their soul-mate, or given books about how to find their perfect prince and become more “dateable.”

There is endless pressure – both from outside and inside the church – upon single young women to take matters into their own hands when it comes to marriage. Principles such as waiting on God’s perfect timing for marriage, trusting in Him to orchestrate the details of our love story, and finding contentment and purpose in singleness – are not only being questioned by these authors, but openly mocked.

Here’s a quote from the book Getting Serious About Getting Married – Rethinking the Gift of Singleness:

The belief that remaining single is legitimate and godly is a work of the devil. Read that again:  Satan dishonors marriage by fooling us into believing that singleness is okay. (page 43)

The author goes on to commend Calvin’s view of singleness:

…men and women who are not connected in marriage are like the mutilated members of a mangled body. (page 28)

Wow. Talk about putting pressure on young women to shed the stigma of singleness! According to this author, they have actually been fooled by Satan if they think that their singleness is legitimate and okay! She contends that their singleness is far more than just a stigma – it has actually made them like the mutilated members of a mangled body!   If that’s the case, they’d better hurry up and find a husband at all costs, so they can finally be in God’s perfect will and get out of such a horrible pit!  

And sadly, all too many single young women settle for mediocre, self-focused guys because of messages like this one. As my husband Eric says, “If a young woman follows that kind of advice, she’s more than likely going to end up with a total jerk for a husband!”

Rather than being preoccupied with solving the “dilemma” of our singleness, God’s Word says we should be consumed with loving, knowing, serving and worshiping Jesus Christ.  It may sound impossible to become excited and fulfilled in your singleness, but I guarantee that if you submit your mind, will, emotions and desires to Christ, He will supernaturally enable you with the joy and peace you need in order to walk this narrow road.

My amazing sister-in-law, Krissy, lived out her single years one day at a time.  When her brother Mark asked her once if she was called to singleness, her response was, “Today I am.”  She didn’t worry about the next ten years; she trusted God for the grace to live joyfully and contentedly for that day alone, knowing that she would have everything she needed.

I’ve encountered many radiant single young women who are completely unconcerned with the disapproval and opinions of others.  They don’t get ruffled by the “singles support groups” all around them.  They aren’t shaken by the subtle pressure of friends and family members to hurry up and find a guy.  Why?  Because they understand that their bodies are living sacrifices to the King of all kings.  They have become the bond-slaves of Christ.  They are ravished and captivated by their soul’s Husband.

The more you become fervently in love with Jesus Christ, the less you will be concerned with what other people think – your eyes are seeking only the applause of Heaven.  And, like Christ, you learn to approach every circumstance in life with the knowledge that your Heavenly Father is handling the situation – your role is not to manipulate or control.  Your role is merely to yield fully to Him.  There is great joy in this abandoned life – so much so that you will be able to truly embrace singleness as a gift, rather than resenting it as a stigma.

I’m not talking about an arrogant feministic “I don’t need a man in my life” kind of attitude.  And I’m not talking about losing all desire for marriage and family.  I’m simply talking about a joyful yielding to Jesus Christ, trusting in His perfect timing, and building your life and focus around Him rather than the pursuit of marriage.

Don’t take the advice of the modern Christian culture to “hurry up and get married already”.  Don’t be riled by the insensitivity of friends and family.  Take the advice of Paul (in 1 Cor 7) and discover the incredible opportunity awaiting you in your singleness – whether for a season or for a lifetime. 

And remember that He is enough.

If you need a little extra encouragement for the boundless frontier that singleness can provide, just read the stories of some amazing single women who radically transformed this world for the Kingdom of God.  Some of my favorites are Gladys Alyward:  The Little Woman, Jackie Pullinger:  Chasing the Dragon, Amy Carmichael:  A Chance to Die, and Corrie ten Boom:  The Hiding Place and Tramp for the Lord. 

Note:  I’ll be tackling this issue in great detail in my upcoming book Sacred Singleness – to be released in fall 2009!